


DEPRESSION

by Ramzi



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (Loki was a soldier), Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Betaed, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Tony Stark, Inspired by Music, Little Bit of AU, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M, My First AO3 Post (in english), Protective Loki (Marvel), References to Depression, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramzi/pseuds/Ramzi
Summary: Tony's thoughts at night were never good.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	DEPRESSION

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [DEPRESJA](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061716) by [Ramzi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramzi/pseuds/Ramzi). 



> Sorry for my english, I know I am bad at it but I challenged myself to start writing in english before I decide to translate my others colossal works ^-^ This is my first fanfic write in English and I really usually don’t write things like that… It was made because of [THIS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1bKn0Oeoc4) song. I found it three or four months ago (I love his songs 😍 even the dark one) but recently my art-depression found me… so this is what happened xD (That, what will you read… this is what my mind tell me when I was writing it and I didn’t change almost anything when I was done)
> 
> please, enjoy ^-^
> 
> Also really HUGE, GIANT and COLOSSAL thanks to [Adren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adren/pseuds/Adren) (again, I don't know how many times I've thanked you, but never too many thanks for what you did)
> 
> (and yeah, the "almost" refer to Adren's changes after betaed xD )
> 
> And the most important thing at the end: cover xD because I was bored and I think it is important for the whole fic (also inspired by the cover from the song)

* * *

Had life always been like that? Tony doesn't remember, he doesn't pay much attention to it. Life had always seemed to him... like life. Not bad, but also not that great. Tony creates and maybe that's why, like most artists, regardless of profession, he looked at the world differently. Maybe that's why the world wasn’t a friendly place for him. Or maybe that was his father fault.

Did it really matter?

As an engineer and, you could say, a man of art, he had wanted to know how everything around him worked, how it was made, how he could make it better. From his early years, he stood out among other children. He had asked questions his babysitters had never thought about.

When he was four, he built his first circuit board from materials stolen from his father's lab. Two years later in his room stood a fully working engine. And next- somehow it happened- eleven years later he graduated MIT with the best score in the entire institute. But in the following months after his twenty first birthday, his parents died in a car accident. He was forced to take care of his father's business. Obadiah, his godfather, was helping him.

See? No fun, no pleasure... Nothing. Just life. Always forward, without a life goal, without order. Always in the light of cameras with a fake smile plastered to his face and an empty heart. It was a life like any other- maybe he had more money, but...

Money doesn’t bring happiness, right? That's what people say and Tony agrees with them one thousand percent. He never really had friends because of that. Imagine a lonely boy, surrounded by other kids, who pretend to want to get to know him better only because he has better and cooler toys. It was a rough life. Alone in the crowd. But Tony learned from his own mistakes. Once he burned his hand, he never touched the oven again. Because that's what his life looks like. At least until he stopped caring and started living the life he has. In MIT he met Pepper and Rhodey, who didn’t care about Tony's money and didn’t accept his lavish gifts. Until when he finished school and they still wanted to meet with him... Only then did he consider that maybe he did have friends. But when he graduated from MIT... He had only Pepper and Rhodey.

And then there was his love life. Tony just didn’t think about relationships. He knew that they weren’t for him. Forgetting their anniversary would be the smallest of his problems. Not to mention forgetting a date, or even more easily, lack of contact for more than a week, because he’d been working on a new project in his workshop. So no, Tony didn’t get involved in relationships. He took what life offered him, used it for pleasure and left right after, often forgetting the names of the people he slept with.

Sometimes, he felt horrible about it. The worst times were nights when his mind didn’t anything at all. He had this feeling that he was sick, that something wasn’t right in him. That this wasn’t how life looked like. He wanted to change it- he knew he should. He often repeated it to himself like a mantra.

 _I should be better. I should do something. I am a genius- come up with something. I should be able_ _to_ _change my life._

But what was there to change?

He did what he want. He worked however he wanted, where he wanted, when he wanted and on what he wanted. He had everything he wanted. Money, a penthouse on the very top of his tower, countless other posh and glamorous properties, people who admired him, newspapers who published wild rumours about him, and even JARVIS, who was like a son to him. What more did he need? Because there was something missing, right? Tony was sure about it. He felt it.

Tony handed the company over to Pepper, because yes, when the redhead graduated from MIT, Tony offered her a job. At first she was his secretary, but he soon got bored of the monotony of his job. He knew that she knew what she was doing, so he gave her the position of president of Stark Industries.

Thanks to that, he had at least someone to talk to. In her presence, he didn’t feel so empty and lonely. He could talk with Pepper about almost everything. The woman was incredibly intelligent and occupied his mind. She didn’t allow him to descend down the hole so deep. She always took care of him. For some time the billionaire thought that was what love was... But as he said, romantic relationships were not for him. He was glad that they managed to remain friends, for he would not forgive himself if he lost her.

Rhodey always visited him when he had the time. After MIT, he went to the US Air Force but still somehow managed to make time for Tony. They both laughed and smiled a lot when they spent time together. They would go out to town and come back a few days later. After one adventure, Tony got a small tattoo on his ankle. Neither he nor Rhodey could remember what seduced billionaire to get a tattoo of the rune Hagalaz1.

It could have been subconscious decision- seeing as the rune had special meaning. Rhodey was funny and understood Tony's problems and desires. But of course, Tony had to think that it was love again.

The truth, however it hurt, was that both Rhodey and Pepper were just worried about him too much.

Tony knew he sometimes, as a genius, acted stupidly and recklessly. He knew he often -without a reason- risked his life. But what was life? When he was not alone he always faked his laugh and his smile. But when he was alone... There were nothing more interesting than the ground. In his mind, quiet voices whispered about his worthlessness... Told him that no one needs him, that his life doesn't have worth. And honestly? Tony himself was surprised he survived to forty years. That was a lot.

And even though the billionaire was learning from his mistakes, life always found a way to prove him wrong, that he never again stepped on the same rake. Stark sometimes thought that the world was against him. Out of nowhere photos of him in abhorrent situations would leak to the internet, the company's shares, so far rock stable, would unexpectedly jump like crazy. Even a normal bottle of milk in fridge would be empty if he were the one taking it. Broken phone. Lost documents. Failed project. Broken car. Papers and tools scattered in anger... Failure after failure.

Helplessness.

Anger.

And giving up.

What Tony thought about was terrible and disgusting. Sometimes he wondered: _why can’t_ _I_ _change?_ Feelings of guilt fell on him. Pepper, Rhodey, after some time also Happy. People who he cared about; who he was trying to protect. People, who he almost always disappointed. He had the desire to make their life better. To make them go away, so that they didn’t have to worry about him anymore. To end his own life, to make theirs easier. But he remembered their faces when something happened to him, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Deep in his heart and mind he knew, that suicide wouldn’t make their lives better. He knew, they would feel worse because of what he did. That he would not do them a favour by ending his life.

At least he wanted to believe it was so.

This thought allowed him to live. He wanted to change. He knew, that he should, but he couldn't. He didn't knew why. He had been trying since his early years. And yet he still couldn't.

In a sense, he’d lost his job. His (Pepper's) company ceased the production of weaponry, and still hadn't gotten a new direction. This counted him jobless, right? His mind was constantly motionless. He couldn't think of anything. There were downtimes in the company. Shares started to fall slowly, which worried Pepper. Another problem he dropped on her head.

He moved to his penthouse in Malibu to rest. It didn't work out for him well. He missed all those labs and workshops. Missed certain people, who somehow always occupied his mind. He knew he had a place of work here too... But was this change really necessary? More and more thoughts began to circulate in his head, always when he was doing nothing in particular. He felt a heavy weight upon his shoulders. He just didn’t know if this was guilt or age.

But what was there to tell about changes like the direction of his company or the place where he lived? Before that... Afghanistan and Obadiah had happened. He’d been barely an inch from dying- threats, flooding, his own weapons used against him... Shrapnel, slowly striving towards the heart. Nothing brought a man down more than betrayal. All at once it hadn’t just brought him down, but it also didn't let him go. He saw the cruel smile on Obadiah’s face and heard his boasts.

He felt attacked everywhere. He had nowhere to run- water flooded his lungs all the time. Even the handful of friends he’d made... All three of them couldn't keep him afloat. It was always time, when he was alone only with his thoughts as company. He immersed himself in them, thinking... and then suddenly he was carried away by the river current and he always started to sink. He never knew how long he could stand being underwater the next time.

On one hand, the media attacked him, wanting to know the latest rumours about him. About what happened in Afghanistan. About the "glowing thing" in his chest. Journalists wanted to talk about topics Tony wanted to forget.

On the other hand, he was attacked by the same media. This time for ceasing the production of weapons. Even the billionaire thought it was strange.

There was one more side. Ordinary people who expected from him scandals, dirty rumours and new one night stands. They didn't want a man, tired of life with bloodshot eyes and eye bags.

Everyone expected something from him. Everyone _wanted_ something from him. Tony didn't know if he was still good at it. He wanted only one thing. But he didn't know if he could ever get it. He just wanted...

He just wanted peace. But of course, he couldn't get it. Just behind the fence on his property journalists camped. Some of them were brave enough, and sent drones to spy on him. Stark, since his early years, was in the light of the cameras, but it was the first time that it bothered him. At least, more than usual.

He knew about it, because he’d seen them at night when they were sleeping. He’d been looking at them in the middle of the night, when he himself couldn't sleep. He envied them. They were recovering, and had more life by sleeping. The genius felt like sleep only drained him. Nightmare after nightmare. Sweaty bedding. Waking up with a scream and one of the suits by the bed. All of the lost sleep... All of the lost time, when he was sitting idly staring at the wall or ceiling, unable to move. The thought of going to bed again paralysed him, so when he managed to calm down, he would get up and go to work in the workshop.

Despite the internal need to be around people, the billionaire did not go to any parties. He cut himself off from everything. He was alone in his mansion constantly. He knew it was unhealthy, but he couldn't bring himself to go anywhere. Because of the arc reactor he felt exposed. Being naked in the presence of a large group of people would not be so difficult for him if he did not have the blue flashlight in his chest. Because of Obadiah, he couldn't leave the house without wearing at least three shirts and two hoodies, and it still seemed to him that the glow of the reactor pierced through the clothes. Nowhere felt safe except for his workshop.

He was tempted by one thought... Ending his life. Absolute escape. Absolute absence. Darkness. Quiet. Death. Did his life make sense? Was it worth something? Maybe it would be better to end everything. To get carried away and never come back.

All of this thoughts were dark and terrible. Stark knew that well, but sometimes he couldn't move them away. They were like webbing. They didn't allow him to work, or to live a normal life. They were everywhere. Tony waited for some parts of his design to stick together and suddenly he started to think about all of his failures. He lay in bed and he awoke unexpectedly from half-sleep, thinking about unfinished business. He was sitting at SI meeting and he, without warning, started to feel lonely. Everything was like that...

"Stop thinking now. I can hear your thoughts from here." Tony felt arms around his waist pulling him closer. "Sleep, Anthony. I am already with you. I'm not moving from here. There's nothing to worry about."

...and then he appeared. His soldier. His hero. His prince in shining armour. His Loki.

When Afghanistan happened... When Tony was kidnapped, imprisoned and tortured... and then built a suit of armour and escaped… Then Rhodey came for him. But on the plane, while they were returning to New York, _Loki_ took care of him. They’d spent almost twenty hours quietly talking.

Loki volunteered to search for Stark, although he was already going back home. It was just after his second tour, when he found out that Tony was missing and signed up to search for him. He was lucky, because they assigned him to Colonel Rhodes, who was his closest friend. It had been Loki, who noticed a moving shape in the desert. It had been Loki, who help Stark get up. It had been Loki who talked to him throughout the entire flight, trying to help him. Calming him down. Loki couldn't believe his own luck when the billionaire fall asleep on his shoulder in the end of flight.

After a press conference... None other than Tony Stark himself stood at the door of Loki's new home. He thanked him and, much to the surprise of the former soldier, invited him out for coffee. Loki smiled and accepted the offer.

Not even a month passed and Loki had found out about the dark side of billionaire's thoughts. He learned that he had to be always occupied. That his thoughts should be distracted. He showed him that the world isn't that dark, gloomy and terrible. So after less than six months, Loki moved in with Tony to Malibu and began helping him.

Stark was ecstatic. He got along with Loki like nobody else. The former soldier was also genius and always invented new challenges for billionaire. Sex was also a nice addition.

But the most important thing was that Loki always could ward off Tony's gloomy thoughts. His kisses his hugs … Sometimes even a delicate touch on billionaire's hand was enough. A smile. And then the genius would cheer up.

"You back?" asked Loki.

"For you, always.” Tony replied, cuddling up with his lover more. "Thanks, Lokes.” Because, thanks to Loki, Tony knew he could be better.

He knew that he would be better.

With Loki.

"Go to sleep, love. Tomorrow will be a big day. You need rest." whispered Loki, kissing his lover's neck.

"Everything for my prince." And for the rest of the night he slept well. Protected by his Loki. By his prince in shining armour. By the love of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> 1Hagalaz - rune means a rapid change and a complete reevaluation of life. Transformation, a kind of rebirth. The rune symbolizes hail, that is, a force that can destroy (implicitly destroy what does not serve us). Falling from the sky can hurt and at the same time is a challenge forcing to take refuge. However, the same hail ball held in your hand dissolves. This means that challenges, though terrifying, are still to be done.
> 
> ᴥ
> 
> I also encourage to comment and give kudos ^-^ I will accept criticism and mistakes bravely (and I maybe not even pass it over) and compliments with a smile (and I will even answer them)
> 
> Also you can find me on:
> 
> Wattpad: @GingerRamzi
> 
> Tumblr: redramzi or evdsitath (on Ramzi I am almost always, the second one is for likns to my little baby EDI,A (maybe someday i will translate it xD )
> 
> Discord (maybe i'll learn how to use this xD): Ramzi#5124


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